Betrayal
by Ti-Jay
Summary: Post season 2x15. Whose betrayal counts the most? Jane's or Maura's? No-one's ever solely to blame. This is a story about how each character may have experienced their own form of betrayal from the events of the season 2 finale.
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone,

Happy Christmas (for those who celebrate) and Happy New Year! Hope you've managed some time out with the ones you love - a little less work and more time to play!

I haven't been able to see the finale of season two, but I've read up on it. My initial reaction wasn't actually sadness but annoyance. *shrugs* I know R&I's creators want to boost ratings with a climax that will make the audience maintain interest until next season, but this one didn't seem to be for the fans. It's like a 'haha' to those who love the Jane/Maura chemistry, but also it's disappointing to me that the only drama the writers create lately is by putting the girls in danger or creating conflict between them. There is so much more they could do.

Anyways... blah blah blah soapbox blah blah blah... lol. Sorry! Just slightly frustrated. So, I wrote this in response... quickly I might add, and I feel it's more true to the characters we've come to love. I hope to finish this one for you soon. It won't be a long fic, but I still hope it'll be a goody... please, let me know what you think.

Cheers,

Tj. xx

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><p>Jane sat back, watching as Doyle was loaded into an ambulance. She watched Maura fuss around getting in the way of the EMT's, arguing to be taken with them. To say she was in shock was a massive understatement. Although she could understand Maura's distress at what had happened, the harshness at which she'd been spoken to, and the lack of understanding of the danger they were in when she'd taken the shot, made her wonder just who it was she was looking at… and what the hell Doyle had done to come between them?<p>

As far a Jane was concerned, the image of her best friend was currently occupied by an unknown. She'd never seen Maura like this before, and it hurt. She was pissed and baffled by many, but as she watched Maura arguing with the EMT's her anger and justification of her own actions got the better of her. She walked over with purpose, and grabbed the ME's hand, yelling for the EMT's to go.

"Jane! What are you doing? I want to go with them!"

"Too bad," she said under her breath.

She dragged the woman, who previous to today had embodied the form of her best friend, down to the side of the warehouse. Once they were hidden by a series of large wooden crates from the processing units at the crime scene, she shoved Maura against the wall, a little too hard.

"You wanna go with him? !" she yelled.

Maura glared at her, brushing the rustic environment from her clothing and made to leave. Jane shoved her back, hard, once again. "No! You don't get to play loving daughter until you explain this bullshit behaviour to me!"

"Don't you dare manhandle me!"

"Why not! I'm a brute, right!" She leans in and intimidates, pointing her finger to back her argument. "I use lethal force for no reason, right!" She shoves her again and holds on, keeping her in place. Jane's chin quivers as her anger turns to tears. She cringes, shutting her eyes and attempts to get her shit under control. "I mean I… I've shown you I'm more than that, right? That I'm more than this? !" She grits her teeth and holds up her badge. "I've protected you all this time, Maura! With my life…!"

Finally the ME starts to see beyond her own pain, yet she's conflicted. "Jane…" Her voice shakes.

"And what's he done…? !" The detective squeezes her grip, pushing her once more before stepping away. "What's he done for you, huh? Has he loved you? Given you a family? !"

"It's not that simple, Jane and you know it!"

"Yeah, I know it, because it is that fuckin' simple! What's he done for you, Maura? He's kidnapped you! Held you at gunpoint! He's forced you into being some backyard surgical unit for the mob!"

Jane turns to stare at the site where the ambulance once was. She holds herself as it all feels too hard.

"And what have I done... or been doing for you, all this time..." She shakes her head, looking down. "Wasting it, it feels like."

"No…!" The ME is torn. "What happened… what you did in there…! I can't… I just can't...!"

"Ignore it, right... No, as fucked up as it is I know you're right." She looks around seeing the world for what it is for the hundredth time, and then looks up. "Nothing's unconditional, Maura. Everyone has their limit. Everyone has a price."

Her hands unravel and grip her hips as if to ground her, and hold her upright. She feels her gun and the day's tangled web of human emotions run a slideshow inside her head. It's just another mess to clean up, another mess of failed human interaction and let downs. Jane deflates on the spot, and wonders whose betrayal will count the most.

Will it be Doyle's for leaving Maura in the first place, only to then come back into her life and wreak havoc? Or will it be hers for taking the shot? Or Dean's for showing up when he promised he wouldn't? Or is it Maura's for forgetting all the love, all the heart Jane has given her since the day they first met?

"So much betrayal," she mutters, "It's fucked." She shifts, looking at her breathless friend to give the final blow, "If this is what you want, if he's it, then I'm done."

She shakes her head.

"I'm done."

And walks away.

* * *

><p>Frost sat at his desk, shell shocked over the happenings of the last 24 hours. It wasn't the shoot out that disturbed him the most, but the actions of one ME who'd come to mean so much to him and his colleagues. He heard the tell-tale footsteps and began typing drivel in order to look busy. Unfortunately, it didn't work.<p>

"Barry, I'm surprised to see you so soon at your desk after yesterday…"

"Yeah, I bet." He didn't bother to look up as confusion set upon on her face.

He made to get up. He needed to get away from Maura before he lashed out.

"I gotta check something in the computer lab."

"Is there a problem, Barry?"

The use of his first name set him off.

"Detective to you." Surprising himself at the venom in his speech. "You know, sometimes I forget you're just a civilian. Sure you deal with the dead every day, and you see the depravity us cops have to deal with… but you don't know what it's like to carry a gun, day in, and day out. You don't know what it's like to carry it knowing someday you'll have to use it."

He sees her shock at his confrontation, sees her tears but keeps on going.

"This isn't just a cold piece a metal…" he says, opening his jacket. "This is a burden we train for... We hone our abilities to use it, to be calculated and instinctual when we pull the trigger… Cause if we don't? That split second where we hesitate, can cost a life…"

Her face had hardened as he continued, as did her voice. "I'm well aware of the terms in which you're trained in order to carry a service weapon."

"No, with all due respect Doc, and after yesterday, I don't think you are."

He waited as she readied herself.

"We train to make our skills merge with our natural instinct for several reasons, one of those is the fact that we're human… if we get caught up in all the heartache and bullshit that surrounds using brutal force we'd never use it. We'd never use it and cops would die... That's what you're not gettin'… but hey, if that's what you want? If you want us to question the consequences and emotional heartache every time before we pull the trigger to save a life or to stop an armed individual then so be it. You can be that naïve if you want to... but while you're sitting all high and mighty on your treetop, you need to think about this… if Jane had done that, it she'd taken the chance at trusting Doyle for your sake and it'd backfired, I'd be dead."

He stares before moving away and brushing his hand down the length of his tie. He pauses at the door leaving her with one last thought.

"I, for one, thank you for your concern. I thought I meant a little more to you than Doyle did. I thought we all did, but I guess I was wrong."

* * *

><p>The second Frost left Maura broke into a controlled sob. Her hand crushed her mouth and she tried her best to suck it in and not lose control. It was hard. So hard, knowing everyone was suddenly against her. Everything had been so confusing and her conflicting emotions had so easily ruled her.<p>

She didn't know what to do, how to move or what to say the next time she saw Barry. She heard a shuffle behind her and came face to face with the wise grey beard of Korsak. His expression told her this next interaction wouldn't be any different. She took a breath and readied herself, hoping for a little of his mercy.

He knew she was upset. He also understood her reasons behind it, but he couldn't forgive her for taking sides with the mob.

"I knew Paddy Doyle…" he says, "... saw the results of his mob dealings while he was at his peak, and I'm sorry to say you're just another one of his victims, someone who's been screwed over by the decisions he's made."

She covered her face with her hands, hiding from the respectable, honourable man she'd come to care for.

"You all hate me!" she choked.

"No, we don't… but you crossed a line yesterday. You sided with the mob over family… over blue collar family."

She opened her eyes, logic finally coming to the forefront of her mind as she began to understand the callousness she'd been dealing with from other officers.

"You may have had your reasons, he was your biological father, sure… but that doesn't change the fact that you trusted the untrustworthy … you chose to accept a version of truth given to you by a mobster, and your life is now fractured because of it." He sighs, staying only a few feet away. "I would've helped ya, you know? You could a come to me and I would've gone through his history with you… documented history leaving no doubt of who he was and who you could trust... Who you _should've_ trusted."

She held herself, wrapping her arms about her.

"But you didn't…" he says, "... you sided with charisma and charm before using your smarts…" He taps his head. "... and that'll get ya every time."

They looked at each other openly with true circumstance shedding light on their predicament.

"Betrayal's a tricky thing, Maura. It's rarely one sided, and rarely without justification on some part, but it's a hell of a thing to be forgiven for or forgotten. You weren't the only one feelin' betrayed that day, and you gotta face the outcomes of your own actions too." He looks down briefly. "Janie, she's… well, let's just say three strikes and you're out, and you've had a hell of a lot more strikes than anyone's had opportunity to have with Jane. I just hope you can live with the consequences of that."

Again, the vagueness of terms confuse her. Tears of frustration, anger and hurt strangle her spirit. She manages to get away from the bullpen, taking refuge in the women's toilets, and she hides for several minutes until she can rebuild her shaken facade and go home.

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><p>Please review... Tj. :)<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

*** Chapter two revised - please read again *** Special thanks to winegirl and Trekkie101 still stands though. :)

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><p>"What the hell happened out there, Janie?"<p>

She looks up, seeing her flustered little brother's face. She waves her hand. "Leave it, Frankie." And attempts to walk off. Having just been grilled by Cavanagh for being aware of an FBI's most wanted without taking any official action has weakened her spirit further. She's been suspended, but all she can think about is Maura.

He grabs her arm, pulling her aside.

"I heard about Maura having a go and you shoving her for it…" His tone is gentle, sympathetic. "I don't get it… What the hell happened out there?"

She looks down and can't hide the pain from showing in her face.

"Just…" She lets him see her, distraught. "Not here, okay? I can't…" She exhales her tension but it's not enough. "Do me a favour and take me home?"

"Sure…"

He wants to hold her but he knows better. Now's not the time. Big sis needs to hold it together so she can fall apart in private. He only hopes she'll let him hang round and hold her upright when she does.

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><p>It's been a hellishly long day. Jane tried to explain things to Frankie but it was all too brief for his liking and part of it didn't make sense. He left still at a loss as to why Maura would be against Jane for shooting Doyle. Even knowing of the doctor's biological heritage it still didn't explain it. As far as they both knew Maura didn't have a relationship with this man. Everything they thought they knew about their treasured friend was caught into question.<p>

Feeling restless, and knowing Korsak & Frost were probably still drowning in paperwork, she decides to phone in for an update.

"Sergeant Korsak."

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey, where'd the hell you get off to? Cavanagh's runnin' us into the ground here!"

"I'm home… I'm suspended… Listen, I took the fall so you guys are clean regarding Doyle, understood?"

"Janie…"

"Don't say another word, Korsak."

There's silence before she receives a verbal nod much like a grunt.

"Good… now onto other things, have you seen Maura?"

"Yeah, I've seen her… Frost had a go at her and she didn't fare much better with me."

"Shit, Korsak…"

"Oh, c'mon Jane, what do you expect? She crossed the line, took sides with the mob…"

"She didn't take sides with the mob, she sided with her father!" She sputters. "Her fuckin' sperm donor!"

"It doesn't change the fact that he had a gun in your face, and she barely noticed. He could'a lowered it, Janie. The minute Dean was disarmed but he didn't. You had to take the shot."

"He gun was empty, Korsak." She'd found out when she was getting her head chewed out by Cavanagh, and it sucked. No matter how hard she'd tried to protect Maura it'd backfired in the worst possible way.

"But you didn't know that."

She sighs heavily and they both take a breath.

"Look… we can't all fall apart over this. You guys need to lay off her, okay? I know I didn't exactly react well but… we need to remember that this is Maura… at least I'm tryin' to…" Heavily laden tears fall. "We can't expect her to understand so easily, you know? She's linked to him… she told me he'd been showin' up at the hospital tryin' to get under her skin…"

"He showed up there? Did her mother see him?"

"No… I don't think so…"

They take some time to think. Frost walks back to his desk, gesturing to Korsak who flicks him off. The young detective sits down with a grunt and continues writing up his report.

"I keep tryin' to figure out what went wrong..." Jane whispers.

"Doyle showed up that's the first thing…"

"Yeah, but if he hadn't, Maura could-a been killed. None of us reacted fast enough, but he did."

"So he took a risk. It's not the first he's done it, only this time it didn't work out for him."

"That's kinda harsh, Korsak."

"I got no sympathy for him."

"Okay, I get it. " She feels defeated. "We just… we gotta get through this without beatin' her up, okay?"

"I'll do what I can, Janie, but I can't guarantee the boys'll understand the same as you do. Her reaction's spreading through the whole precinct like wildfire. She was outta line, and besides, she was in just as much danger as you…"

"Doyle would never shoot Maura, and you know that!"

"So what? He still put her in danger by puttin' her in the cross fire."

"God... this is fucked…"

"You got that right."

And then the second point of interference came to mind. "Dean…" The name felt bitter on her tongue.

"You heard how he's doing? Think he made it through surgery okay, but that's all we got here in the pen."

She rubs her face. "No… but he won't be happy the next time he sees me, I can promise you that."

"You told him about Doyle's link to Maura, didn't you?"

It was so hard to admit it now, even though she'd confided in her best friend at the time.

"Yeah I did… but it was off the record. He wasn't meant to play cop with it… he crapped all over our agreement so here we are…" Her voice was shaking and she couldn't help it. "I thought he wouldn't… that he would just…"

"Keep it personal? Not be the job for a change?"

"Some fuckin' idiot I was… but when it comes down to it, I did it for her. I told him in order to protect her."

"You do what you gotta do to protect family."

"Yeah... well, let's hope she remembers that."

"You keep in touch Janie, okay?"

"Yep… and Korsak?"

"Hmm?"

"Stop calling me, Janie…!"

Leaving him staring at dead phone.

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><p><em>Two minutes later<em>…

"I can't believe this…!" Frost grumbles from his desk.

"What?" Korsak's had just about enough of this fuckin' day.

"This!" Frost holds chucks his phone at him. The text, Korsak assumes, was from Jane. It read:_ 'Lay off Maura, Frost. Suck it up and be the good guy I know you can be. This is shit for all of us. J.'_

"Janie, huh? I just spoke to her."

"Yeah, well, I don't get it…"

The Sergeant gets up, grabbing his jacket and throwing the phone back into Frost's capable hands. "Get up. It's time for something a little heavier than coffee. We need to talk."

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><p>Please review.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

***** Please read chapter two again** - I wasn't happy with it so I've made some amendments.

I hope you enjoy this chapter too. Thanks. Tj. xx

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><p>At the Dirty Robber, Frost and Korsak sat at the bar trying to reconcile past behaviours, while at Jane's apartment, the detective was analysing every move she made before taking the devastating shot at Patrick Doyle. On level four at the local hospital, Maura sits vigil at her mother's bedside, doing her very best not to cry.<p>

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><p>"I don't get it," Frost says, the minute they've settled with a beer and whiskey in hand. "How the hell can Jane just ignore what she did… what she said?"<p>

"I don't know… I guess she's trying to remember everything that led up to it. She's trying to remember her best friend."

Korsak takes a long sip of whiskey, ice bouncing off his lips leaving cold spots.

"I mean… we protected Dr Isles from O'Rourke. We've kept her secret…"

They speak in hushed tones, grateful for the fact the bars practically empty.

"About that…" the sergeant interrupts.

"What?"

"Janie's takin' the fall about Doyle, so you gotta keep your mouth shut."

"She what?" Frost is stunned.

"You heard me. Just keep your mouth shut and let Janie handle it." He turns back to his drink.

Frost leans in, tapping the bar fiercely. "No way man, this ain't right. We were _all_ in on this, all three of us."

"You wanna tell that to Janie?"

"But she doesn't deserve this! This could ruin her career!"

Korsak gives him a warning. "Settle down." And a glare to point out they're in a public place talking dirty history.

"This is crazy!" Frost hisses and takes a large gulp of his beer, slamming it down. "Damn it, I was clean before all this… we were all were…"

"Frost, I'm tellin' you, if you don't shut up…"

"I can't believe I let that woman turn me into a dirty cop..!"

"Bullshit! Maura didn't do that, your conscience did! We couldn't let 'em get to her, and you know as well as I do she didn't want us to make the call. She never asked us to phone Doyle, and she sure as hell told Jane not to."

They sat in silence both stewing in amber liquid.

"Doesn't change the fact that regardless of what we did, what we put on the line… may as well be fuckin' strangers to her right now."

Korsak raises his near empty glass to his lips. "She's in too deep right now, can't process right." He sips and swirls his glass. "Doyle was a clever son of bitch, and he used her so he could play hero… what he should-a done was stay away. He never should-a shown his face. Every time he did, he put her in danger..."

"Yeah, well…" Frost gulps his beer. "My Ma always said your true colours show in times-a trouble. Guess he meant a hell of a lot more to her than we did… Hell, he shot two guys right in front of her and she still…"

"Two guys he didn't know and who weren't us." He spins on his stool, fixing his weight on his right elbow on the bar. "Look, she's in all kinds a pain right now and she doesn't know what to do with it. Emotions don't work for Maura. She's a factual girl. You gotta admit this is some crazy shit for a lady like her to have to deal with. Sure, she cuts up the dead, but that doesn't mean she's up for dealing with depravity on her front doorstep." He gives Frost a pointed look. "Janie's _asked us_ to protect her, and that's what we're gonna do… we may not like it but if it's the only way to have her back then we'll bloody well do it… so, stop pissin' about over the doc's meltdown and give her some time."

"I'm not pissing about! I'm hurt..."

"Pussy… you're drunk."

Frost gives him a shove. "Shut-up old man! I ain't no lightweight! I could-a been shot!"

"Not on Janie's watch…" The sergeant sighs, ordering them both another drink. His voice is weary. "You know better than to accuse Maura of wantin' you dead… this is not the doc we know. Give her time and just hope she sorts herself out and comes back to us."

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><p>"Maura?"<p>

The shaken voice of a Constance Isles breaks the rhythm of her shallow breath and falling tears. Maura weeps with her back turned and the thought that today feels as equally deceitful as yesterday.

"Darling… what's wrong?"

She doesn't want to burden her mother and remains still.

"Maura, don't make a battered woman beg… for goodness sake, come over here and sit down."

Her voice is weak but her command still has the same effect on Maura as if she were still a child. Dutifully, she straightens her back and goes and sits by her bedside. Constance pats a space for her on her mattress, wanting her closer.

"Talk to me."

Maura shuts her eyes to the uneasy feeling of her mother breathing the same words so often used by Jane. Images of blood and damage tarnish all thoughts of her detective friend. She feels confused and consumed with anger.

"Maura…" her mother sighs. "I'm desperately sore and terribly concerned… please… just tell me what's happened."

Maura squeezes her eyes with her fingertips. It's all very unladylike, but she can't find it in herself to care. "She killed Patrick Doyle… Jane… she… "

"Patrick is dead?"

The doctor stills and looks up. "You do know him, then." But she's ignored.

"Well… it was bound to happen, eventually." Constance closes her eyes, comfortable that's the end of it.

"Mother… how can you be so..?"

"He was a bad man, Maura. Surely, you knew that."

They lock eyes and all the evidence falls into place. "You knew!" The ME gets up, stumbles backwards. "You knew all along!"

"That he was related to you? Yes." Her mother deflates. "Of course I did."

"But, how long have you…? The… the files relating to my adoption are sealed by a court order. How could you know this?"

"Please…" She's tired. "Sit down." And pats the bed again.

Maura obeys stunned into silence that she might finally find out the full history of her heritage.

"I knew you were his…" Constance takes her hand. "…and I did everything I could to shelter you from it, including sealing your adoption papers and making them beyond your reach... and paying him off to keep him away from you."

Her mother grimaced, as pain ricocheted through her pelvis, but she continued seeming dissatisfied with the interruption. "I made it very clear after he broke into your house… that he was to disappear. I'm sorry you found out this way… you were never meant to find out at all."

Her frail body shed tears of pain, and Maura recovers from her shock long enough to notice. She softens, and moves to care for the woman who raised her, the woman who's lied to her all these years.

* * *

><p>Jane has spent hours pacing, drinking sporadically and analysing her every move up to the point where she took aim and fired. The detective was nothing but thorough, writing pages and pages of notes, drawing detailed maps of the warehouse and everyone's location as it had all unfolded.<p>

She stared at the yellow coloured pages, the ink marks messy from the speed at which she'd written. A few were dedicated to Frost and Korsak's point of view, reviewing from their perspective what happened as objectively as possible, working with only the facts of evidence as they played out.

She had attempted Dean's… but the same words kept coming out in bitter lines on the page… _'Didn't wait and didn't care,'_ each one cutting her deeply as she now sat and stared.

One perspective she never tried to write was Maura's. It was simply too painful to contemplate.

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><p>In between doses of medication and several sleeping moments, Constance managed to explain the situation of Maura's adoption. She'd been eased into her mother's arms much like Doyle had forced himself into the doctor's life, all by illegal means.<p>

Constance had been desperate for a child but discovered soon after marriage that she was infertile. She'd struggled to keep it a secret from her husband but when he found out, he recommended a solicitor who specialised in adoptions. Constance took her chance and for a simple fee of $150,000 she became a mother, Maura's mother.

She had discovered Maura's true parentage when signing the papers, but her desperation of becoming a mother was greater than the fear of a man she'd never met. Both biological parents had agreed never to make contact again, in order to keep Maura safe, and that part in particular had been made especially clear to Patrick Doyle.

"Why didn't you tell me you knew Patrick had made contact with me?"

Constance shook her head. "I'm no good at this game, Maura. The investigator assigned to watch him for me explained what happened to O'Rourke. I was just thankful you were safe and hoped that would be the end of it."

She looks to her daughter, studying her with lucidity.

"But this isn't what you were so upset about before, was it? Maura… what's going on? You can't possibly be that upset over Patrick's death."

* * *

><p>"His gun was empty…" She talks to herself as she paces. "… so how the hell did she know that?"<p>

Jane's strung out on the image and sound of Maura screaming out before she took her shot.

"She must-a heard it…"

'_Click'_ And imagines the sound of metal on metal.

"What was he aiming at?" she mumbles, needing to recollect it clearly.

Was it a warning shot? Or was he still aiming at her and Frost like her gut told her he was.

"Damn it!" She grips her head in frustration, her elbows crowding her vision. It's all a blur. She's too tired. She can't think.

She throws her head down, bending over, still gripped. Her body smothered by frustration and tears.

"Fuck!"

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><p>Please review. Thanks. xx<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

There are so many things Jane could say to Agent Dean for breaking his promise... At the very least, I've given it a try. Thanks for still reading. Tj. xx

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><p>The one absolute Jane was certain of after having rehashed the events of days passed, was that she never wanted Gabriel Dean in her private life, or her bed, ever again. She'd meant it when she'd asked him to be her confidante and not the agent she knew he could be. She'd allowed herself to be vulnerable, beyond the intimacies of sex, and in a crushing response, by breaking his promise and going after Doyle, he'd only fueled the aching cynicism she'd always held about relationships.<p>

Time to live by her own code again.

Burn her once, and you'll never get close enough burn her twice. It was over as quickly as it had begun.

* * *

><p>Maura was once again in the hospital room seeking reassurance and attuning herself to the rise and fall of her mother's chest as she breathed in life. She'd driven here as if piloted by another, her body moving and directing itself without thought.<p>

She sighs, raising herself from her chair as she walks over to the large window. Her eyes sting from a lack of sleep, her troubled thoughts having kept her on high alert and awake all night. She looks back to the patient who means so much to her, grateful for the opportunity of creating more memories with a newly nurturing mother. She paces a little before looking down at the tiny figures strolling along the pavement below.

People watching calmed her. It was something she'd discovered in university when it had all got too much. She'd sit and stare out of the window of her private room, taking in the world from a safe and faraway place.

Something draws her attention, or rather it is someone. Someone she'd recognise anywhere.

Nobody holds themselves like she does, nor has the presence to captivate, like Jane. Maura watches her gain ground across a pale footpath and holds her breath as she notices the confident swagger is lost.

"Jane…" she whispers.

* * *

><p>Jane enters the room and sees him lying there wrapped up in a bundle of white. He looks worn out, and tired.<p>

_'Guess gettin' shot'll do that to you.'_

After all, she would know, and it is this that allows her not to pause, and address the issue she needs to.

"We need to talk."

"Jane…" He clears his throat. "Where've you been?" His eyes blink for better focus.

"You're lucky I'm here at all," she says, standing by the foot of his bed.

"What? Janie..."

"I am NOT your Janie." She crosses her arms and builds up her defence.

He's annoyed. "Don't tell me… this is about Doyle?"

"Just tell me what you doing there? Were you following me?"

"I did what I had to do. You of all people should understand that. If I didn't do anything I'd be aiding and abetting a known criminal..."

"Don't attempt to tell me my JOB! I asked you to wait, as a personal favour to me!"

He tries to sit up and level the balance of power but he can't. "I couldn't do that. I was just doing my job..."

She has to move away. "Yeah, right, your job..." She paces to the other side of the room doing everything she can not to burst into tears, or release the aggression she's feeling into his face. She turns back. "So... do you screw all of your leads, Agent Dean?"

"You know it wasn't like that."

"Yeah, well it sure as hell feels like it now."

She turns to go, waving him off as she leaves. "We're done."

"You're being too emotional about this, Jane. We can work this out if you'll just..."

She spins around. "I was so wrong about you. I asked you to be my partner on this! I asked for you, Gabriel! Not Agent Dean, not the FBI, but the guy who was lying naked in my bed! And what did you do with that, huh? What did you do, 'Gabe'!"

"What I had to do! I couldn't just let him go…!"

"No, of course not! Because going in guns' blazing was gonna to solve everything! Right?"

She towers over him. "Right!"

Her body vibrates with the ripples of his betrayal.

"You have escalated this by not thinking it through! Gone and got yourself shot, while all you could think of was getting the bad guy!"

She gets in his face. "Gotta get your bad guy, huh, AGENT DEAN! Well, now that you've got him by default, by having me finish the job, how many other assholes do ya think are gonna put two and two together and link him to Maura? How many are still gonna wanna take a potshot at her for the sake of vengeance, and how I'm gonna be able to protect her!"

She drills her finger into her chest. "I needed to find a solution before one of Doyle's visits got her killed, and I stupidly thought you were serious enough about me to help with that…" She fights her tears and straightens up. "But I guess we both know the truth about that now, don't we?"

"You're wrong. Jane..." He stops short, pain echoing through his chest. "I do care about you…"

"Not enough!" She stares at him. "Not enough…"

Losing her grip, she draws on everything she has to make her final point.

"I don't fuck around with the people I work with, and I did NOT invite you into my bed so you could treat me like some piece of shit informant! We are so through… I never wanna see or speak to you again. You got that?"

He's at a loss and can only nod at her intensity. Before the act is complete, she is gone.

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><p>Please review. Thanks. xx<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Okay, so um, this is not very enjoyable to write. The next chapter we'll be moving forward in time, and it'll be between Jane and Maura. They'll finally address what's happening between them.

Please let me know if you want me to continue cause I am struggling with this one a bit.

Cheers for now,

Tj. x

* * *

><p>"When are you going to speak with her, Maura?"<p>

Constance couldn't see who her daughter was looking at below, but she knew who she was thinking of.

"Speak with whom?"

Maura turns to face her, her hand falling from its position on her chest.

"Come on, darling; let us not hide under false pretence for once. I'm worried about you, and I'm worried about your friendship with Jane. She's a most loyal friend and she cares about you very much."

"I'd rather not discuss Jane, mother."

"I know, but I'm afraid that's unacceptable given the circumstances."

Beyond explaining the situational facts of Doyle's death, Maura had been unwilling to discuss her reaction to it the night before. Constance was desperate to understand the hold Patrick had over her daughter. It scared her, and kept her thoughts turning to Jane.

"This woman has welcomed you into her home, included you amongst her family and protected you above and beyond the realms of her occupation."

"That doesn't change what happened… what she did."

"Maura…" She was exasperated. "I don't think I'll ever understand unless you talk to me. Please..."

"Patrick would never have hurt me!" The ME moves forward, leaning in to make her point. "He carried pictures of me…"

Her mother scoffs. "Well, I never took him for being the sentimental type."

"That's not the point!"

"No, the point is that Jane loves you… She loves you, has shown her love for you time and time again… I expect she cares very much about her partner and her FBI lover too."

This causes Maura to shrink back, in guilt.

"Sweetheart, think about this… do you honestly expect Jane, a hard working detective, to trust a man who is a known criminal, who has brought nothing but danger into your life, and who was at that very moment welding a gun at her?"

"No! But I… He wouldn't have hurt her! He knew what she meant to me…"

"What she still means to you, I'm sure…"

She holds out her hand but Maura doesn't take it. She's frozen.

"She's on your side darling… she was in a difficult situation, and fate just didn't lend her a hand this time."

* * *

><p>Jane left Dean's room in search of the women's bathroom. She was about to let go and wanted to do so in private. She enters the disabled toilet needing the certainty of no-one entering for the sake of another stall. She leans back against the door and falls apart.<p>

She cries over yet another relationship leaving her used and humiliated. She cries over her fractured relationship with her best friend, and the mess of her suspension at work.

Holding her head in her hands she shakes. Her body throbs and she slams the base of her fist into the wall.

* * *

><p>Finally leaving the hospital, both women were unknowingly on a collision course. Maura needed to get away from her mother and her constant prying, and Jane needed to get the hell away from all things related to this awful situation and go home.<p>

The lift arrives and Maura enters, sending her down towards the ground level but stopping on its way at the fourth floor. She looks up and comes face to face with the very person she'd been avoiding but who'd been consuming her every thought. She gasps.

Jane looks up as she hears the doors open and the emotional response of the lifts sole occupant. The shock of seeing her best friend leaves her breathless. She's frozen… They both are.

"I'll just… take the stairs." She's amazed she can get the words out her throat is so parched and dry. She takes her leave with her head down and Maura stares as if in a stupor at the empty space. The ME recalls flushed cheeks, bloodshot eyes and an injured hand.

'_She's been crying.' _

And the sound of the doors closing, cutting her off from where Jane had just stood startles her into action. She shoves her hand out jarring their momentum into reverse and exits into the corridor to look for her.

"Jane… wait!"

The detective stops but doesn't turn around to greet her. Her heart pounds and she's not sure she can take another battering in such a small space of time.

Maura closes the distance within a few feet, and finds old habits die hard when she asks, "Are you alright?"

Jane breathes out a laugh in dismay, her head shaking and her hands falling to her hips. "No, Maura… I'm not okay."

She finally turns and they find themselves locked in a stare, with excess emotions and the inability to vocalise any one of them.

Jane's the first to look away. "I'm sorry… but I can't do this."

She moves to the stairwell door, her hand pausing on the knob before going inside. "I've told the guys to lay off… if you have any more trouble, Korsak's your guy."

Maura watches Jane leave and the finality of what she's done, of how she's behaved, suddenly has an impact. Her mother's words ring true as her best friend's alliance has been proven. She is protected, even still as the distance grows further between them.

She doesn't understand, can't understand it. Her heart is breaking and she's caught in an inner turmoil she's never felt before. She's mourning over someone she's lost and another who's slipping away. The feelings pool and swirl around in her gut, making her feel sick, making her numb…

The doctor leaves in much the same way she came, lost in a watery haze.

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><p>Please review... please? xx<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

A BIG thank you to everyone who's encouraged me to continue. Once again I've tried, and I've managed to get this done even though I've been sick all week.

Ugh... it's hard to think when you're heads full of nasty stuff!

So thanks again, and special thanks to winegirl for one of the key points mentioned in this bit. xx

* * *

><p>Jane pulled the handbrake hard before turning off the car's engine, her heart filled with trepidation at what she was about to do. She was uninvited and had been purposefully ignored for two weeks, but she'd had enough and was about to take her best friend by surprise.<p>

It was Constance who'd put her up to it. During the weeks of her suspension, the older woman had kept in touch and been very clear that all she wished for Jane was a quick resolution to the circumstances of Doyle's death, for the sake of her career and for her friendship with Maura. She'd wanted it known from the start, that no blame was held against her for what she'd done.

In their latest conversation, Constance had shared her growing concerns she had for her daughter. She'd discussed her behaviour, the nature of her interactions with her seeming cold and void of emotion. Maura was shutting down, and she knew the only person who could possibly help her was Jane.

The brunette exhales hard as her fingers grip the base of the steering wheel stalling for time.

"Time to face the music, Jay-Jay…"

And she took a breath and exited the car.

* * *

><p>It was a Sunday, and Maura sat anxiously in her living room with a cup of tea. Jane was due back at work tomorrow and the thought of it put her on edge, made her fidget incessantly. She'd not seen nor spoken to her since that day in the hospital, and she couldn't bring herself to imagine what she'd say when she finally did.<p>

There's a knock at the door, and she stills, fear compounding her nerves as she instinctively knows who it is. They knock again and she looks at the clock, it's 4.18pm. She lowers her head and her eyes close as she gathers the courage to go and open the door.

* * *

><p>"Hi… Maura…"<p>

"What are you doing here?"

She's in civilian clothes, looking tired and worn out.

"Can I come in?"

"No, I don't think so."

The doctor resembles that of a frightened barn owl, hiding amongst the shadows of her door.

"Your mum's worried about you…"

"Is that why you're here?" her voice asks accusingly.

"No, not entirely… I'm worried about you too…"

Jane looks around at the neighbours feeling odd and out of place. She's never had to wait out on the stoop for so long, before gaining entry into Maura's home. It was unnerving. She worried her hands and got back on task.

"Don't you think we should talk? Inside, maybe?"

"No, there's nothing to talk about. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

Unfortunately for Maura though, before the wood can connect with its frame a firm grip and sturdy foot blocks its way.

"We can do this here on the step Maur, but if it's all the same to you I'd prefer we not involve your neighbours and have a go at each other inside… I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

The urge to comment on the use of brute force parts her lips, but she keeps herself quiet, her force against the door showing less resistance. It gives Jane hope.

"Please, Maur… we gotta talk about this."

* * *

><p>They find themselves amongst the cool and hard décor of the kitchen. The dark granite top and crisp clean lines of stainless steel do nothing to soften the blows of inevitable conflict.<p>

"What do you want, Jane?"

"To talk… about what happened. I want an explanation, Maura."

She's not about to make this easy.

"I don't know what you're talking about. You know what happened. In fact I'd go so far as to say you were largely responsible for the turn of events that day at the warehouse."

And this is the Maura that she's heard about. The one she doesn't recognise. She crosses her arms and Maura glares at her from the end of her kitchen.

"Right, it's all my fault…" She nods and chews the corner of her mouth. "I've been thinking about that actually. Been thinking about it a lot."

She reaches into her bag in brings out a wad of professionally scribed notes, all her thoughts and analysis of the shooting.

"What is that?" The doctor whispers it, taken aback, because she knows. She knows how Jane works.

"This?" Jane replies nonchalantly. "This is every aspect of what happened at the warehouse. Written by me, from every perspective I can think of or stomach."

"Wha…" She moves forward a little breathless from the amount of work. There are at least 100 pages and her fingers pass over them, spreading them out, discovering the detail. "What do you mean… that you can stomach?"

They're close now, and Jane can finally see her face. With only a body's width between them, she sees the strain, the inner turmoil reflected in non-manicured nails, lifeless hair and a tortured brow. She's felt the same, and looks it, she's certain.

"I'm struggling, Maur…"

And this confession causes her friend to look up, open and without her defences.

"I'm struggling because I've lost so much…" Her voice catches in her throat. "… and all I can think to do… is repeat every thought, every action I made leading up to the shooting, and try to work out a way it could've ended differently."

This hardens Maura's face. "But you can't. You can't change the past, Jane."

"No shit." She grabs a handful of yellow paper. "Guess this just proves it, doesn't it?"

Jane knows this will infuriate the doctor but she's not here to beg for forgiveness. She's here to reason with the woman she'd still give her life for.

"Don't do this."

"Don't do what?"

"What's happened has happened. You did this! You shot him!" It hurts to even talk about, the pain surprising her.

"I did what I had to do, Maura! That's the conclusion I've come to." She sprays the pages onto the floor. "And you know what? If I could change any of it, I would, but he was there! He put you at risk..!"

"He wouldn't have hurt me!"

"He put you at risk just by being there!"

"He saved me!"

"Yeah, but he didn't stop after the fact, did he!"

Jane's words echo against the hard surfaces around them. They echo and release the logic in Maura's brain.

"No he…" She looks down in thought. "He did stop…"

"You heard his clip empty… how come?"

She looks up to see Jane's intense plea for recall, and puts her hand out. "Yes, I heard it…"

"Because he took another shot."

"No, he…"

"He fired another shot, Maur. I had to do something…"

"But… he would never have hurt me!"

"No, but he'd happily hurt me, or Frost, if it meant achieving his escape!"

"You don't know that."

"No I don't, but do you seriously want me to have taken that chance?"

Frosts words resound in Maura's mind.

"I'm sorry, Maur, but the only reason I took the shot was because of his actions. He made me take the shot!"

"Stop it!"

Everything inside Maura is a war with itself, her logic, her recall, her emotions.

They're standing only a few feet apart but the distance couldn't be greater. She holds herself, the doctor's hands squeezing her biceps, needing comfort as she starts to cry. The site of her overreaction once again puzzles with Jane, and toys with the officer deep inside.

"Maura…?" She wants to hold her but she needs answers. "Why is this so hard for you?"

"How dare you! How dare you ask me that!"

"I'm just trying to understand…" She reaches out but can't find the momentum needed to move closer.

"You are not infallible Jane! You are not without fault! You told Agent Dean about my link to Patrick. You initiated _everything_ that led up to this awful mess!"

"You think I don't regret that! FUCK!" Her volume pushes them further apart. "I regret it every GODDAM waking moment I have!"

She grips the counter beside her, and watches Jane do everything she can not to fall apart.

"He said he'd come back for me, did you know that." She slumps against the sink, her hands holding her up. "But that was all bullshit."

She allows a few tears, or rather, can't help them… and then grips her face with the pain of his betrayal.

"He used me…" She squeezes the words out. "I may have asked him to keep it personal but he broke his promise." She releases herself and bears all for Maura to witness. "He took _everything_ we did..! EVERYTHING I gave him, and he just… " She waves her hand, unable to voice her reality.

Maura grabs hold of it, the devastation softening her, matching that of her own but for far, different reasons.

"Why did you tell him?" she asks. "You didn't even tell Frankie but you trusted him with it."

"Because I needed to."

Her voice is pained, fragile. It still hurts.

"I couldn't carry it alone anymore, Maura. You don't know but I get so worried about you…" She holds on, with both hands, spurred on by their contact. "…and you're supposed to be able to trust the one you're with, right?" She looks down. "Well, I put my faith in someone who wasn't you… when I should of just gone with my gut… and I'm so sorry."

She can't bear to see her pain, nor the images of Paddy Doyle falling at the hands holding her own. Maura looks away, and moves, feeling troubled and torn.

"Maura…?" But Jane moves with her. "I _never_ wanted to hurt you…"

"But you did…" And she turns her back on her.

"I know but I…" And something clicks. "But that's exactly what I don't get."

"What?"

The doctor turns, her arms protecting herself, as the detective in Jane rises up.

"This whole reaction to Doyle's death…" She wipes her face. "It doesn't make sense."

"Please, don't do this…"

She pleads because she doesn't feel she has the strength. Every day she's been struggling with the fact that she's mourning a murderer. She can't understand it.

"You knew I'd spoken with Dean."

Maura walks away.

"I told you straight away and you didn't disown me then, so what is it? What'd he do to get around you, Maur?"

She enters the living room and Jane trails fast behind her. She turns.

"I'm not doing this with you. I can't…"

But the detective pushes hard.

"You _never_ had a relationship with Doyle. Not once, did you mention sharing any kind of normal father/daughter experience with him. This man, who supposedly loved you, kidnapped you, broke into your house…" Her fingers count them off. "… he held you at gunpoint and made you a constant target…"

"But he protected me! At every turn, he protected me!"

"… and instigated every interaction between you with a threat for you to be silent! Man, I don't get this!" Her body twitches. "What the hell did he do to make that, okay? Why are you so traumatised by this?"

"Because he was there!" Her voice is shrill. "As a father, he was always there…!"

She becomes weak, and Jane is stunned.

"All my life he was there! Not to be with me, but to watch over me… because he cared enough!"

"Maur…" She watches as the ME falls apart.

"Not even the people who were meant to, bothered to show up at any of the key pivotal moments of my life… but he did!" The sobs wrack her body and she wipes her eyes. "He had pictures of everything! Everything that ever mattered to me but that I thought had gone unnoticed! And it's so awful, Jane… it's so awful because I know what he's done! I know what he was capable of!"

She sniffs, and gathers herself some. Jane can barely see from the tears in her own eyes.

"Korsak didn't believe me, but I know… I know what he did and even so…even with all that knowledge… on his last visit I felt closer to him than I did my own mother… I had a feeling of what it was like to be biologically and emotionally linked to someone… to have a family…" Her face contorts and her pain is hard to listen to. "And you took that away from me."

Tears run parallel from opposing eyes, and Jane wilts under the pressure of her heartache. She reaches out to the nearest wall and clings to it.

"I didn't…" She falls against it. "Frost froze and I... I had to…"

"I could cope if it was anyone else, Jane, but it wasn't..."

She slides into a squatting position, still needing support; all manner of energy being sucked out of her in a powerful blow.

"It _was_ you…"

And Jane quivers uncontrollably. She can't breathe. "I didn't mean to... to take that from you."

"I know..."

Sobs come ripping through both of them, but the doctor somehow remains upright. Jane wants to leave, needs to get out in order to breathe, and she faces the door.

"I'm so sorry, Maur."

"I know, Jane…" And Maura sinks into a nearby chair, exhausted. "… but I just don't know how to get past it."

Jane stumbles forward, and stands, facing utter devastation... there's nothing she can do about it.

She tries not to cry, raising her hand, wanting to pacify and stroke the harm away. The silence settles, and she's asked to leave and so she does... leaving behind so much more than the sad loss of her dearest friend.

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><p>Please review. Thanks! xx<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

Gah! This site has been a nightmare! Sorry you couldn't view what was there, cause the chapter was downloaded properly etc but the site was having an issue. I've reloaded this so hopefully it'll now work. Grr.

Here I go trying to move things along for you and FF has to go mental on us, lol.

Now, please don't give up on Maura. She'll get there, I promise.

Cheers, Tj. xx

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><p>Frost sat at his desk feeling tense. The strain felt in the office was just starting to sway from extreme to standard but his world still didn't feel right. His partner wasn't there. Cavanagh was still chomping at the bit and currently, he was arguing with Korsak behind closed doors. The young detective couldn't quite make out the topic, but he could hear Jane's name being mentioned repeatedly. He started to sweat, his mind taunting him with the same guilt ridden thoughts, running over and over in his head.<p>

'_Why the hell didn't you fire? You didn't protect her you dumb fuck! You gotta stop waitin' on her call.'_

He sunk a little in his chair, remembering the lecture he'd given Maura. He was one to talk… he was the one who'd stalled, who'd understood the emotional circumstances and faltered. He'd let Janie make the call.

The door opens, slamming against the wall, jarring him away from his self-loathing and ridicule. A fiery Sergeant storms out, his pressures up, and his face is all red and clenched. Korsak doesn't acknowledge anyone, just grabs his jacket and walks out.

"Hey! Korsak, what's up?"

He gets the wave off. Nothing. _Shit!_

Frost slouches back down, heavy, and flicks his pen.

"This is fucked."

* * *

><p>"Janie!"<p>

Her front door is being pounded.

"Open up, dammit!"

The brunette stills at her luggage and exhales. She was really hoping to be gone before anyone had caught wind of her plans.

"Don't make me break the damn door down!"

"Oh, for christs sake…" she mutters, dropping a tee, and heading towards his muffled screaming.

"Calm down!" She opens the door. "Jeez, way to make a raucous old man!"

He glares at her. He's beyond pissed, but she walks off.

"You mind explainin' to me just what the hell you think you're doing!"

"Chill out, Korsak."

She goes back to her room, and back to her packing. He follows.

"I just heard from Cavanaugh you were thinkin' of resigning!"

"Not thinking, I have."

"What the hell for? Because of Doyle?"

She goes back to pushing her clothes into the canvas bag on her bed and stays silent.

"Don't you go all passive aggressive on me, Rizzolli. I've worked with you long enough to call you out on your shit, and this is the shitty-est decision you've ever made!"

"Hey!" She aims at him with her hand this time, not her gun. "I asked for indefinite leave! But the boss wouldn't agree, so this was my only choice!"

"Yeah, well thanks to me, I've managed to convince him, so you're on leave! You're still a cop."

"Don't do me any favours, Korsak," she says defiantly.

He watches her, his hands taking refuge in his pockets.

"Is this because of Maura?"

"I am not getting into this with you! If that's what you wanna talk about you can just kick off and get the hell out! I've made my decision."

"Based on what?"

They stare it out.

"I'm not leaving, until you give me an answer."

Huffing, she slams a hoodie into her bag. "Dammit Korsak."

And rubs her hands across her face before running her hair back, freezing with her fingers stuck in her hair.

"I've had enough, okay?"

Her hands fall along with her gaze and she starts rummaging again.

"You do this job… thinking you can control the worst of it, that you're providing some kind a justice for all the bullshit that goes on out there, but you're not. And I'm sick a trying."

"The job gets to all of us."

"Yeah, well it's been gettin' a little too close, and too personal for me!" Lifting her shirt and displaying her scars. Pity for her, he knows this goes deeper than that, and he's willing to call her out on it.

"She'll come around, Jane."

She looks away, hands back on her hips, feeling tortured. He knows the rest is for her to say so he waits, watching her eyes close as she takes a deep breath and thinks of Maura.

"Well, I can't be around while she figures herself out… I know she's hurting. She might not have a bullet wound but that doesn't mean she's not damaged."

She sighs.

"Fuck, I mean... I tried to do the right thing by her, but all it did was fuckin' backfire. So you know what? I'm done! No more responsible Jane, no more puttin' my life on the line."

She resumes her packing with vigour.

"I'm sick of being the go to girl for every sick fuck, serial killer or otherwise! I'm outta here… and you know, you can quit staring at me too! If you're gonna just stand there gawking, at least do something useful and help me out."

He grunts, and she smirks.

"So go make yourself useful… there's a bag by the fridge for Jo's food. You can pack it up for me and drop her off with Ma on the way home."

"She still stayin' in the guest house at Maura's?"

She nods, thoughtfully. "I asked her to. Someone needs to keep an eye on her and for the moment nobody else wants to."

"I'm doing my best for her, Janie."

"I know… "

"You sure about this?"

"I've made up my mind Korsak… I really don't need you fightin' me on it."

"Okay, fine…"

Ten minutes later, Jane sees him off with a genuine hug.

"I'll be in touch but don't go calling me every damn day 'cause the phone'll be off. Thanks Korsak."

* * *

><p>Later that same day, Maura enters the organic food store close to home. She was surprised not to have seen or heard of Jane's return to work but figured she was being avoided. If she was being honest, she was thankful and relieved not to have had to talk with her. It all still felt so raw.<p>

Her father had called. He was finally in town and wanted to take Constance home to recover in New York. She offered to cook him dinner after visiting with them at the hospital. It had almost seemed normal, except for the fact her mother was much more attentive, and she now knew the details of her adoption.

She collected what she needed, feeling comforted by the process of normality. As she stood at the counter a young man across the road caught her attention. He was dressed in blue jeans, and a vest worn over the top of his hoodie. He was a good looking male specimen, built and broad across the chest… but he was staring… directly at her and it didn't feel anything like admiration.

"That'll be $28.95," says the young girl at the check-out asking for payment. It startles her.

"Oh! Yes, of course."

The doctor pays and a sense of foreboding comes over her as she nears the exit. Should she leave? Is it safe? Who was he?

She looks back across the road to find him gone, and releases her breath. With her groceries in hand she heads out to her car but something doesn't feel right.

Now that she knows she's been watched in the past, she feels more alert to when it's happening. She throws her bags on the back seat, disregarding her rule that all shopping goes in the boot of the car. She opens the driver's side door and glances around and spots him. It's the same young man, with the same glare weighing heavy upon her, smoking a cigarette and leaning against a wall, one foot up on the bricks behind him. He flicks his butt and signals to her. His hands are in the form of a gun and she is his target. He fires.

Fear rushes through her and the flight instinct takes over. She forgets her pause, jumping in the car and starting the engine. She takes off, seeing him laughing in her rear view mirror, the acid in her stomach bubbling up, making her feel sick. Throughout the entire journey home, she is frantic, checking over her shoulder, looking for any cars that may be following. She even takes a small detour to prove it, much like Jane would on the job.

Maura gets home, safe, to an empty street and an empty house, besides her tortoise. She bursts into tears the moment she's inside, behind locked doors, and begins rambling to the giant hard hat in the kitchen for comfort. She forces herself to organise, fumbling through her tears, trying to understand what's become of her law abiding, calculated and orderly life.

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><p>Please review. :) xx<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you everyone. Every review means the world to me. Tj. xx

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><p>Jane looked up at the simple home that housed one of her dearest mentors. A simple red brick construction, single fronted and small, nothing that would allude to the vibrant and well-worn character who lived inside. She parked on the street, pulled out her large duffle bag and manoeuvred her way up to the door. As usual, it opened before she had the chance to knock, the elderly occupant staring her down, grinning.<p>

"How's my beautiful grand-daughter?"

"Ciao Nonna, come sta?"

"Bene, bene… now stop butchering my language and get inside."

All she can do is laugh, squeezing through the narrow opening, her bag making it difficult to fit through.

"You spent half the time listening to your old Nonna as a child, instead of scraping your knees at hockey, you'd know how to speak Italiano!"

"Okay, okay, I get it." She puts her hands up but is still smiling. Her Nonna was always the only one she could take a nagging from. "But you know what you mean to me, right?" She holds the woman's arm, soothing it. "I wouldn't be here otherwise."

And then she's enveloped by a warm, elderly and lithe body, much how she imagines herself being when she's old. This is what she was here for; love from the one woman who'd always understood and who hates the soppy stuff just as much a she does.

"Enough, enough..."

She pulls away.

"You put your bag in your room. You know where it is, and then we have a strong coffee and almond bread." She walks off, yelling. "Fresh baked, yesterday!"

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><p>The next morning Jane woke up to the sound of the neighbour's car door slamming as they went off to work. It was different from the noises of home but not entirely unfamiliar. She woke up with a start as so often happens, and took a few moments to remind herself where she was.<p>

She sat up, cracking her neck and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, wondering what she should do with her day.

"Not think of her, is what," she said out loud as she got up.

Maura.

The woman occupied her mind as often and as instinctively as the need to breathe, rubble settling in her stomach each time she did.

But she was determined not to beg for forgiveness. She'd said all she could about what had happened, and didn't want to assent to a new inner layer of defence, laced with guilt.

This time, it was up to Maura… and the good doctor would have to come to her.

* * *

><p>The rumours were slowly spreading around the precinct that Jane had resigned, and although Korsak had tried to make the correction known, that in fact she hadn't quit and was still a cop, the gossip of her resignation seemed far more meatier and was always the most successful of the two whispers.<p>

It was mid-afternoon and he was missing her. Frost was sullen and the bullpen was un-lively, so he decided to take the bull by the horns and take some action by talking to Maura.

Knowing Jane had finally reached her limit and that nothing seemed to be getting through to the ME, he decided to give his sensitivity training a whirl and see if he could give them a hand towards reconciliation.

He entered the morgue, finding Maura tapping away on the computer inside her office. She looked tired and drained; too tired to be at work and drained to the point where all colour was lost from her delicate, porcelain cheeks.

He knocks politely and she rattles, seeming jumpy.

"Sorry… I ah… can I come in?"

She nods, attempting a smile. "Of course, Sergeant."

He didn't detect any callousness in the use of his title. Sometimes Maura liked to recognise hard worked, and he figured that was why she drifted so easily to the use of titles.

"Mind if I sit down?"

She signals to the chair. "Please…"

She was wary. It was unusual for Korask to sit with her in any form, unless they were sharing group drinks at the Dirty Robber.

"What can I do for you?"

"It's more about what I'd like to do for you, Maura… I know you're hurtin'…"

She looks down to her clasped fingers.

"And I can even understand some of it, but what I can't understand is why you're tryin' to deal with this on your own." He asks her gently. "Why are you relegating us back to strangers when we both know what's going on?"

"I'm not…" She didn't realise, hadn't thought. "I didn't think I had the option of not doing so."

She'd had minimal interaction with many of the officers she'd come close to since all of this. Frost barely gave her the time of day and everyone suddenly preferred to speak with her via electronic means. It'd made her wonder if the comradery she'd always felt was because of Jane and had nothing to do with fostered relationships. She'd wondered if it would ever return.

"Listen… we all need to make decisions in our lives about who is good for us and who isn't. It's a part-a life, and nobody can avoid it regardless of their background… but our Janie is good people…"

"I know that." Her voice is thick with emotion.

"You know she had to take that shot, and you know she'd do anything to protect you, and her working partner."

She nods, reluctantly.

"I know, Korsak… but I don't know how to get past this. There's too much… too many feelings I don't understand… I've never felt before."

"Then, you gotta nut it out. Who's more important to you, Janie or Doyle?"

She doesn't answer. She can't. Her immediate thought is Jane but she will never know the real answer as she was unable to develop any kind of relationship with her father.

"He was a mob boss, Maura."

This sets her off.

"You think I don't know that? I do, Vince. You may think me naïve when it came to the nature of his business, but I've looked at the files… I know what he was."

He sits back and feels more uncomfortable in the designer chair. He gets up, to pace.

"I look out for her, you know?"

Her heart beats fast as she worries he's about to become confrontational.

"She may not like it but I've been with her from the start."

He turns to face her.

"I'll protect her from anyone she needs protecting from, even from those who seem harmless."

"I don't…" She shakes her head. "I'm not sure I understand."

"You may think it's better to fall back into a life on your own rather than share your burden… and your elite crowd may have taught you that growing up too, but I'll tell ya… this shit will stay with ya 'til it ruins you."

Her temperature rises as he moves, rounding her desk to crouch down in front of her.

"Open your eyes, Maura. You've got some good people to share your darkest days with…" He holds her hands. "Use 'em… 'Cause I don't wanna have to protect Janie from the likes a you. You're a good one... you're a lady… and I'd much prefer to treat you like one too."

She feels the sadness well up inside, the strain building behind her forehead. She signals her understanding, tears streaming down her face as he holds onto her, hands gripped with nothing but tenderness. She struggles to catch her own breath as he continues.

"Work it out, Maura, talk to me if you have to… 'cause I know you'll come back to Jane, back to us… and when you do, I'll be right behind you."

With a squeeze to her shoulder, he's gone, leaving Maura stunned in the growing silence.

"Shit…" she whispers, holding onto her head.

She cries softly, messily and feels a headache start to throb. There's no-one here to hold her, and Jane doesn't magically appear. It begins to seep into her consciousness that there are things she can no longer ignore.

"I need her," she whispers, "I need, Jane."

* * *

><p>It's an hour later when Maura finds out Jane isn't actually coming back to work. Her assistant moves to throw out the detective's mug that she kept down by the morgue's rudimentary tea and coffee set up.<p>

"What are you doing with that?" she asks.

"Well, it's not like she'll need it anymore."

"I'm sorry? I don't understand. That's Jane's… I mean, Detective Rizzoli's. Why would we want to throw her cup away?"

"Because she resigned. There's no point in keeping it if she's not here anymore."

Maura doesn't hear the coffee cup as it falls, chipped and damaged into the bin. All she can hear is the rhythmic rush of blood triggered by her racing heartbeat. She can't breathe, her chest tightens, and she knows she has to get away from the fluorescent lights and the prying eyes.

She turns automatically for her office, closing the door behind her before she sinks to the floor. She clings to the doorknob for safety, for grounding but it doesn't work. It can't. The final step of losing Jane has come to fruition, and she can only sink further into her own despair.

It wasn't supposed to be this hard, to feel so painful, but it was. She'd been so wrong. This was nothing compared to losing Doyle, _nothing_ compared to anything she'd ever felt before.

For every breath she exhales, a cry of anguish materialises. Not loud enough to be heard but her pitch is high and sharp like a baby's wail. It comes fast, and in-tune with her heartbeat, and she drowns in the hysteria rapidly racing through her blood stream.

* * *

><p>She leaves, heading home as soon as she can get herself under control with no-one knowing of her panic attack, for which she is thankful for.<p>

She doesn't visit her mother, or make contact with her father. She simply goes home, securing the alarm for the lower floor once inside, and rises upstairs to take a quiet bath.

Before long she realises though, that not even the water can soothe her. She stays until the water goes cold and she is shivering, all huddled and curled up, clinging to herself in the middle of her very large tub.

* * *

><p>It was past midnight, and Jane was up late watching tv with a beer. She'd spent her first day with Nonna discussing what she could do around the house in order to be helpful. She was never one for free board, so it seemed that some paintwork was in order to be done. Just the kind of mind-numbing repetitive exercise she was hoping for.<p>

She thought of Maura whenever their interactions stilled, and the presence of sadness at their separation remained, clinging to her, felt but unseen.

* * *

><p>Maura sat in her office at home surrounded by papers. It was two in the morning and she'd been studying the handwriting of her best friend, her interpretations of that fateful day. She needed to make sense of what's pulled them apart, to take action on what she was feeling and how she remembered it.<p>

After reading for over an hour she came across a page that was labelled simply, 'Dean'. It disturbed and upset her, Jane's writing was particularly messy, belying the emotions at play.

'_Didn't wait and didn't care' _

Was all that represented him, and she remembered Jane explaining her sorrow of being used and humiliated. It brought tears to her eyes as she finally felt the depth of her dear friend's heartache.

"Oh, Jane..."

She moved on to the next piece of paper, and this one was suddenly the hardest. It was her page, titled 'Maura.'

It had several pin points of lead hinting at the need to write but the difficulty in which Jane had faced in doing so. Halfway down the page, written across several lines was only one word. She'd written _'Lost.'_

And it was this that broke Maura's will. For even in separation Jane had known. She'd understood.

* * *

><p>Please review. Thanks. :) xx<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry, I've had a little block on this one, but it's coming back.

Cheers,

Tj. xx

* * *

><p>Little sleep had been had by Maura so at dawn she retreated, driving away from the pages of intense scrutiny, heading out into the crisp morning air for some clarity. Things were beginning to shift. Her logical side was taking over, and her emotional response to Doyle was changing direction. It was amazing what hindsight could do.<p>

For the last three hours she'd used Jane's own method of deconstruction, grabbing pad and pen, and putting to page memories of her 'father' that still troubled her. But these memories were not related to the day he died, no, they were of each and every interaction leading up to it.

She analysed every moment, the number of encounters easily counted out upon her fingertips. The same theme kept making itself known. Staring back at her in plain truths, amongst the scribbled blue of her handwriting was a reflection of fear, an extreme tension that reigned over their every meeting. And it was because of his choices. The choices he made, time and time again, to enter her world with violence; a slice to his hand, a kidnapping, a gun to her face and so on. That day in the hospital, the second visit when he hadn't crushed his hand over her mouth but greeted her gently, that was the only time they'd truly connected.

As the facts of his actions became clearer, and her abandonment issues and emotional need for love faded because of it, she could finally compare his impact on her life against Jane's. Korsak's words resounded in her mind, and the dysfunction, as it could only be labelled, was acknowledged. The history of contact with Doyle consisting only of stalking on his part, and endless vulnerabilities on hers, left no other alternative but to accept his influence was a very dangerous kind, no matter what his heart had intended.

And Jane… well, she was the only safety she'd ever known.

A safe house where Maura had always counted.

* * *

><p>Jane was up early, shifting furniture away from walls, draping sheets and checking the old ladder she'd be using for her painting. She was a little worried about the sudden cluttered state of the living room but she tried to make it as hazard free as possible for her grandma.<p>

After an hour of work, Nonna comes through looking a little sleepy, and unfortunately, as Jane had anticipated, she tripped on the leg of her sideboard that was now resting a few feet into the middle of the room. Jane grabs her quickly before she falls.

"Hey… Nonna you gotta be careful. It's gonna be a little chaotic around here while I'm doing all this."

The woman chuckles, patting her shoulder, grateful for her grand-daughter's strength.

"You're a good catch, sweetheart," she jokes.

"Yeah… well, some would say otherwise…"

"Nonsense! You're a good girl." She pats her face admiring Jane's features. "You're a beautiful, strong woman who knows her own mind. There's nothing wrong with that."

Jane chuckles and keeps a hold of her other hand. "Thank you, Nonna… I'm glad somebody thinks so."

"I know so…"

"What'd you wake up on the mushy side this morning? Is your mattress gettin' a little soft?"

"Zitto! Be quiet! I'm your Nonna and I'm allowed to praise you!"

"Okay, okay… now, are you done? Cause I could do with some breakfast," she teases, and the moment is lost.

"What? Am I a slave to you?" The old woman throws up her hands, flicking them as she walks off. "You work for your board! That doesn't mean I gotta feed you!"

Never did she sound more like her daughter, or Jane's mother, the same inflection of drama, the same exasperation in her tone, but it was what Jane felt on the inside that was infinitely different when her grandmother spoke. She felt as beautiful and strong as she claimed her to be, and capable when she felt like giving up.

"Oh, c'mon! … Nonna…"

Jane follows her, playing along, begging for her macchiato as her mentor continues making a fuss in the ancient realm of her kitchen. It was standard behaviour for them both, and they relished it. It made Jane feel treasured, and loved.

* * *

><p>Maura arrives at a local 24hr café and sits down in a corner booth by the window. She accepts the strong coffee on offer, requesting a pastry to dull its bitterness. She sighs, feeling exhausted from her thoughts and lengthy explorations.<p>

She accepts it now, what has happened… and even deems it to have been inevitable on some level. As much as it pained her to see him fall to the ground with such finality, she'd come to realise he was taking a gamble just being there in the first place.

As she sat, listening to the early morning sounds, the clinking of ceramic cups on saucers and sleepy discussions, she decided she wanted to stop being the hapless victim, that the responsibility of her protection should be just that, her own. She needed to take over the reins, to determine her own safety and existence under her own code of ethics, within the law, and without the same devastating effect on others. Perhaps she could remove any future threat with preparedness and forethought? Then maybe, this kind of fracture would never again eventuate, and she could keep those she loved, safe.

She needed advice, and decided to send Korsak a request.

'Please come by The Treacle Café on your way to work. I'd like to take you up on your offer to talk if you're still willing.'

* * *

><p>She waits, finishing her pastry and agreeing to a refill of coffee to keep her fuelled until he comes. A movement across the street distracts her and her hackles rise.<p>

She can see him, her young stalker, and he's staring at her once again toying with his cigarette. Resentment of Doyle's lifestyle builds even more, and she again realises that without him she would've been safer. If he'd truly left her alone, shown some humility and remained in the background never to be seen, they both might have been better off.

She calls Jane. It's automatic, and she doesn't realise she's doing it until it's too late. She receives her voicemail. 'Hey, you've called Jane, NOT Detective Rizzoli. I'm off the clock. So if you're calling about a case contact Boston PD, Homicide, on …'

She listens to the end, marvelling at the comforting sound of her voice, but then the beep sounds and she's unsure about what to say.

"Jane…" Her voice is shaking, and the fact she's being watched is forgotten. "It's… so nice to hear your voice..." She feels stupid and knows she can't speak of her troubles. "I heard of your resignation… I only hope that you're alright… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for you to… well, I'm sorry... I hope we can talk soon… if you would be willing. Goodbye."

She stares down at her phone and jumps when Korsak throws his body down in opposition to her.

"That was quick," she says.

"Yeah, I was already up. Somebody had missed their litter tray and was whining… I had to clean it up."

Maura smiles, loving him for his tender heart. She suddenly remembers and looks back in search of her stalker, only to find that he is gone.

"Maura? What is it? You said you wanted to talk."

She turns to face him, first thing's first.

"I need to find Jane."

* * *

><p>Please review. Thanks. :) xx<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

It was mid-afternoon and Jane and Nonna were perched on two small stools in the living room. They both had a small glass of Vin Santo in hand and were dipping their almond biscuits in the amber liquor as they nibbled on them. It was neither late enough, nor cool enough for such warming liquor but as it was Nonna's favourite, they felt like treating themselves as they admired Jane's handiwork.

The walls had been scrubbed with a sugar wash and any blemishes had been filled in or built up where necessary. It had been slow going but progress had been made nonetheless.

"So, you wanna talk about why you're really here? Or do you wanna keep pretending you're here to spend quality time with Nonna?"

Jane chokes a little on her dunked biscuit, the alcohol burning her throat as she coughs. She wasn't expecting the question and makes herself swallow the mass of goodness before her body was ready to.

"W-what?"

"My little Jay-jay…" A wrinkled hand comes to rest upon her knee. "I may not see you as much as I'd like…" And gives Jane a pointed look, who sighs. "… but I know when something's wrong with my girl."

Looking away, she contemplates hiding behind humour but Nonna soon puts a stop to that.

"C'mon, out with it… nothing said here will be repeated to your mother."

They laugh, thinking of the often hysterical nature that was Angela Rizzoli.

"That's your fault you know," Jane offers.

"What is?"

"Ma, and her…" She flails her arms about and starts screeching in Angela mode. "Why do ya gotta dress like that…? When are ya gonna give me grandchildren…!"

"Hey! Don't disrespect your mother!"

The pointed hand brings her in line but neither can hide their smirk.

"Your fault," Jane mumbles, receiving a chuckle from her grandma.

"We all have our faults, Janie… even you."

The brunette grunts, mostly due to the use of name. She's more than aware of her own faults. It's part of the reason she struggles with the concept that anyone could have a romantic interest in her. It just seems ludicrous.

She takes another sip of amber liquid. "It's complicated."

"Of course it is! You think your Nonna hasn't lived? Life is always complicated! All the more reason to talk."

She exhales in dismay, troubled as to how to explain. When she does her voice is soft and filled with vulnerability. It's noticed.

"I did something… something I really didn't want to do, but I had to… cause of the job."

She couldn't get past it, past that spot of acknowledgement when admitting to a lack of control was called for. She'd thought she'd organised everything that day, that she had the situation under control. Her eyes were trained on Maura, she had the back-up, but she didn't consider that Dean would break his promise and show up… and then it all went to hell.

"I had to shoot someone…" She stares at her glass. "Someone who meant something to Maura."

"Your doctor friend?"

She nods and takes solace in the strong liquid in her hands.

"Did he die?"

"I killed him, yes."

"No." The reaction was stern and caused Jane to look up in confusion.

"Did you not hear what I said?"

"Si, I heard you but you did not kill him."

She's exasperated. "Nonna..!"

"Did he too have a gun?"

"Yeah, but…"

"And did he fire at you?"

"Well, yeah, he had fired, but…"

"Then you did not kill him."

"I put a bullet through his chest! I think I know the definition of killing someone, and what I did, was kill him!"

"NO!"

Tears sprung forward at harshness of Nonna's expression. It was fierce and she was at a loss.

"I don't understand what the hell you're tryin to say," she says defeatedly. "I shot him."

"You did not kill that man, Jane. He killed himself."

"With my own bullet?" She points at herself, feeling flustered. "From my own gun? You know what? You gotta lay off-a this stuff…" Raising her glass. "… cause you're not makin' any sense…"

Her chin is grabbed, her focus determined on the older woman without her consent.

"He put himself there. He aimed his gun… you did what you had to do! There was no 'killing,' no time for thought, only you doing what you had to do."

The tough love from the woman beside her brought forth more tears. They dribbled down across old wrinkled fingers that were still clamped to her jaw.

"But I hurt her, Mama…" She closes her eyes, her voice emitting the pet name used when she needs her grandma the most. "I hurt her and she can't forgive me."

Her heartbreak is obvious and it crashes through Nonna's chest cavity. She strokes the cheek nearest her thumb, allowing their foreheads to meet. Jane cries, her hand coming up to hold her grandmother's wrist, and as the shaking of her body gets worse, the glass is removed from her hands and she's held in the older woman's arms, her safety.

Holding her breath, Jane tries to reign herself in. Nonna feels her rigidity return just a little and pulls back to brush her hair away from her face, removing her tears.

"Who was he? This man," she asks softly.

"Her biological father, but he was a mobster… a no good, manipulating, son of a…"

"I hear you, sweetheart."

They share in a smile. Jane laughing briefly at the fact her grandma just reminded her so much of Maura, both women lacking any appreciation for the use of swear words. She resolves herself to being exposed and leans in, resting her head on an aged shoulder.

"Did she know him?"

"She'd met him a handful of times and most of them she was under duress."

Nonna keeps brushing her fingers through Jane's hair, knowing she was one of the few to be able to do so. Comforting her granddaughter was always difficult. She hated the fussing and only accepted it from a handful of people. Nonna was starting to wonder if Maura had experienced this privilege too.

"His existence threatened her life so many times… I'm not sad that he's dead, at least he won't keep showing up and putting her in more danger… but I'd have rather had to chance to arrest him instead. Then she might've got some answers from him about her mother and her heritage."

She pulls away and takes over the job of wiping her own face. She's numb and finds herself staring straight ahead, at nothing. Nonna tops up their glasses and hands Jane back her own receiving a small thanks. They slowly return to art of dunking and nibbling on the thin biscuits.

"She's your person isn't she? Your spirit?"

Jane's heart clenches as something unexplainable rushes through her. "What?"

"Marcella calls it being a kindred spirit, but I am too cynical for that and I think you are too." They share an agreeable smile before she continues. "She says, there are some friendships that leave you wanting more."

The statement is made and Jane's left to decipher it. Nonna watches her thoughtfully, but realises her granddaughter may not be ready for such a discussion. She stands to clear up and contemplate dinner.

"What do you think she meant?"

Jane's question stops her. She turns to see her all washed out and her sensitivities bare.

"She told me… if she could have lived with someone of her choosing, shared her life truly, it'd be with your Aunt Arabella."

"Aunty Bell?"

"Si."

Aunty Bell was a close friend of the family. Another Rizzoli family adoptee, so to speak, and Marcella was Nonna's best friend. They were a trio. Where you'd find one, you'd find the other.

"But Auntie Marcy's married."

"Si."

She watches Jane sit back in thought, and hopes her subtle message gets through to her. Jane's eyes suddenly bug out. "And you think that… that me and Maura…?"

She leans in. "I see your face sweetheart. When you speak of her, you show your love for her as clear as night and day." She takes a thoughtful look at her granddaughter and straightens up. "Tell me how much you miss her?"

Jane's face contorts a little in confusion and heartache. "A lot."

"You must, if you're willing to spend time fixing up this old broken place."

Jane stares ahead. "I miss her all the time… when I'm not moving or doing something, I think of her." She looks up. "But I mean, we're not…"

"You don't have to be." A reassuring hand is placed on her shoulder. "Whether you want what a man and woman wants with her doesn't matter." She squeezes Jane's shoulder to make her point. "It's what you crave that does, if you want to hold her, lie beside her, keep her safe… that kind of love doesn't have to be named." She squats down, wincing a little as her joints strain with the motion. "Your mother has destined that you pick a man for a white picket fence and flock of children. You don't have to choose that life Jay-jay. If you had a choice…" she says, looking intently into Jane's eyes. "… if you had one person you could choose to live your life with… really choose… you would choose her, wouldn't you?"

Her mouth opens as she searches for the answer. She is dumbfounded. Surely, life is more complicated than that? "Nonna… I… I don't know… "

"And you don't have to." She pats her face. "The answer is not for me."

She gets up with a little difficulty, collecting the biscuit tin and the opened bottle. "You deserve your own happiness, my bella. Don't give up. She will come back to you."

* * *

><p>Sorry this wasn't a Maura &amp; Jane chapter, but the road to recovery is underway.<p>

Please review? Thanks! Tj. :) xx


	11. Chapter 11

Thankyou to 'Norpan' for shifting me away from insecurity and back into writing.

Hope the length and content makes up for the wait.

Many thanks, Tj. xx

* * *

><p>Two days have passed without any contact with Jane. The disappointment of not receiving any reply to her voicemail and having no luck in locating her weighed heavily on Maura's heart. Her posture sagged and her mind lacked any real focus. She couldn't perform her duties to her normal standards, and so spent her days delegating her workload wherever possible so she could track down anyone who might lead her to Jane.<p>

Knowing the Rizzoli's as she did, she questioned them first, but to no avail. Frankie and Tommy weren't willing to play informant, with both of them referring to a safe place for Jane, but in no way alluding to where it was. It hurt, but in some ways, it wasn't surprising. And strangely, Angela had gone missing too. Stanley, her boss at the coffee shop, said she'd received a call late yesterday afternoon and left, with her return yet to be advised. He was furious, but also knew the woman had made quite an impression on the place and if he fired her, he'd have a swarm of unhappy officers and hell to pay.

Today, Korsak convinced Frost to lend a hand by GPS tracking both women's mobiles, but again, the prospect of chance let them down. Both phones were switched off, and Jane had been as thorough in life as she often was with her detective work. All three were left in the dark, crushed by the dead end, but for the first time in weeks, they resided on a similar path, linked together for their own reasons; concern for a friend, or guilt and a need to appease.

Maura made to follow Korsak out of the computer lab ready to give up and head home, but Frost spoke up asking for her attention. She turned to find him very close, swallowing and smoothing down his tie. He was uncomfortable, and she looked back to where Korsak had exited wishing he would return. She wasn't ready for this, for another possible confrontation. She was stretched enough as it is.

"Yes, Detective?"

"Listen, um... forget about what I said about you calling me 'Detective'. I was too hard on you."

"Oh." This wasn't what she was expecting. "If you wish, Barry." But she could feel him preparing himself for something else.

"Remember all that bullshit I said about gun handling and instinct?"

She takes a breath. "Yes… I do recall."

"Well, that's exactly what it was, bullshit." He looks away, through the tinted glass and out to the corridor.

"I don't understand." She clasps her fingers. "I think… in all fairness you made a valid point. I understand that on some level I expected too much of Jane."

"Yeah you did…"

And her heart just rammed right up into her throat. _'No, not again…'_

"… but that doesn't change the fact that what I said, is exactly the way I failed Jane."

His jaw clenches and his arms cross, strengthening his resolve for his confession.

"I didn't protect her… I did what every cop shouldn't. I thought of the consequences before my partner's safety. I left her with no choice… she had to take the shot."

It took Maura a few seconds to catch up, reliving the harsh words of his prior monologue. "So, when you said all of those things to me, you were expressing guilt?"

He huffed. He didn't want to name it. He was frustrated enough by his own inadequacies.

"And that speech regarding my naivete and my… what was it? 'Sitting high and mighty on my tree-top?' You were actually berating yourself for your own lack of action?"

He tried not to deflect with anger. He knew it was time for him to face the truth, but it was difficult. He took pride in being an officer, but if you don't have your partner's back, you ain't got shit and had no right being on the job. He sucked it up though. After all, Maura had been facing her harsh truths all day, and if she could do it, so could he.

"Look…" He wipes his mouth and settles his hands on his hips, fingering his badge. "I stand by Jane on this one, and I have from the start. He was gonna fire at us, of that I have no doubt, but I should've been the one to take him down." He points at his chest. "I should've protected my partner first and thought of your connection with Doyle last, but I couldn't." He softens and looks away, anywhere but at her. "You've left a mark on me, doc, and it's got me clouded… I just… I just couldn't respond the way I should have, but it won't happen again."

Something very genuine was being expressed here. Something intimate Maura had been unaware of. His affections flattered her but on the whole, it was unwanted. She straightened and became resolute. With a small pat, she says, "Don't feel guilty, Barry. Just help me find her."

And she leaves, the weight on her shoulders seeming that little bit lighter.

* * *

><p>Jane had heard Maura's message yesterday.<p>

When Nonna had taken her leave to go to the butchers, leaving strict instructions for her granddaughter to shower before dinner, Jane had sat in her bedroom wondering if the world was missing her. She checked her messages and immediately began grumbling upon hearing Korsak's voice. "Told you the damn phone would be off…"

It was an old message from the day before.

_"Hey Janie…"_

"Don't call me Janie…"

_"Just wanted to make sure you got to where you're going… um… Frost is sulking into his tie and it's kinda pathetic… not the same here without you… ha, look at me, gettin' all sentimental…"_

"God, Korsak…" she scoffs, deleting him mid-message but unable to stop the smile from escaping.

Next she hears something strange, a lengthy void of background noise preceding a possible caller. She nearly skips it to move on, but there's something in the background that she recognises. A few stumbling cracks of sound permeate the background and then she hears it… it's Maura's voice, and it's startling how fragile she sounds.

_"Jane… It's… so nice to hear your voice... I heard of your resignation… I only hope that you're alright… I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for you to… well, I'm sorry... I hope we can talk soon… if you would be willing. Goodbye."_

She listens so intensely that by the end of the message she's forgotten she's alone. She sits and stares at the phone, hitting replay and putting it on speaker so as to provide tangibility to the doctor's voice. There was no mistaking it. The long awaited opportunity of reconciliation was finally on offer, but sitting there, listening again, she knows she's not ready. The need for their connection is strong, but to take a dive after all the hurt, while the pain is still so fresh on both sides, was a hard task to handle.

Jane saves the recording unsure of her next move. For now she needs the distance she's created, and time to heal. As she showers a plan forms, and she hopes the one person who counts the most won't think the worst of her when it's enacted.

* * *

><p>Maura arrives home tired and disappointed, but before she can drop her keys and check the single message blinking at her on her answering machine, a delicious smell assaults her senses. It was the epitome of home cooking, Rizzoli cuisine, and as she pauses to acclimatise, a familiar shuffle is aimed in her direction.<p>

"Hi, sweetheart."

The world is playing tricks on her. It must be.

"Angela…"

"Come on… dinners ready." With a flick of the wrist, she's guided open mouthed to her own kitchen counter. "I'm bettin' you haven't eaten a thing all day."

She sits on a stool, dumbfounded. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because you were family before all this mess, and you're still family now."

"But… with the way things are between Jane and I… I thought you wouldn't..."

"I may not have raised you honey, but that doesn't mean I don't know and love you as my own. Besides, dinner may have been prompted by another child of mine, who can't stop herself from worrying about you."

_Jane…_

"I've wanted to be here Maura. I just didn't know if you wanted me to be."

Tears dwell at the thought of having alienated the woman whose felt more like a mother to her than her own. "I'm so sorry, Angela. I've been so confused… so torn apart by my emotions…"

Her face is held in a loving grip and she's interrupted. "It's okay, sweetie. I made a mistake by sitting back in the hopes you'd come to me, but Janie helped me understand that that's is something you'd rarely do."

Having her weakness pointed out to her is hard to take, and she pulls away from Angela's intensity. Regardless, the older woman just keeps on talking.

"One thing everybody knows about me is that I don't hesitate in meddling in my kids' affairs… so I asked myself, why should you be any different?" She scoops some Ravioli onto a plate and sets it in front of the blonde. "It's time for some tough love, sweetheart… you and I are gonna do some soul searching, and if you care about Janie as much as I think you do, you'll be with me every step of the way."

She sits next to Maura with her own plate full. "So, are we clear?"

Maura can only nod.

"Good. You're a Rizzoli now… and we Rizzoli's don't let nothing come between us."

* * *

><p><em>Some time later...<em>

"Where is she?" Maura speaks into the depths of her pasta.

"At her home, away from home."

"But… why won't you tell me where she is? I just want to apologise… "

"Maura…"

"Is this how it's always going to be? Will I never be forgiven?"

"Honey," Angela reaches for her, rubbing her wrist rhythmically with her thumb. "Janie just needs a little time. You owe it to her to give her that, don't you think?"

"I understand I haven't been behaving rationally…"

"And who the hell could? When a man who keeps coming into your life pretending that he gives a damn, pretending to be your father only to thrust a gun in your face..!"

"I don't believe he would've ever intentionally hurt me…"

"But he did!"

Angela grabs hold of her arm more firmly. "Listen to me… what kind of mother would I have been if I'd knowingly lead Hoyt to Janie's doorstep?"

"What? But you would never..!"

"That's right… but every time Patrick Doyle showed his face, he led his enemies straight to you! It'd be the same as me knowing who Hoyt was, and what he was capable of, of lettin' him follow me right to Janie's front door! He could've protected you from a distance, sweetheart, but he didn't… and with each step he forced his choices to become your own, by making you keep quiet, by making your friends keep your secret, when any one of them should've just arrested him."

Maura was beginning to feel sick. "How do you know all this?"

"I told you I could'a been a detective." A glimmer of no good sparkles in her eyes. "Never under-estimate a mother's need to know when it comes to her kids."

She releases her arm and brushes the hair away from Maura's face.

"Which leads me to my next question… are you really mad at Janie for the shooting, or for sleeping with Agent Dean?"

Maura's heart stops and her blood pressure rises. She stares down at her plate for too long, craving an escape. Seeking refuge in her wine, she manages, "I'm not sure… I understand the question."

"You understand plenty, and don't tell me any different."

Being on the pointy end of the matriarch's index finger was intimidating to say the least. She tries for stalling.

"Angela, honestly… I not sure I understand what you're implying…"

"Nu-uh…" The mother waves her fork. "Not this time, genius." She shoves her plate away and leans on the marble table-top, elbows and all. "It's time you admitted where all this is coming from. It's time you both did. She's a mess, our Janie, and it's not the usual 'I've had a fight with my best friend' kinda mess. It's more than that… and she told me what you said when you argued. Do you wanna know what stood out for me the most?"

Maura shook her head, no. She didn't want to know, but that wouldn't stop Angela.

"If it was anyone else but you, Jane… That's what you said, wasn't it?"

"I… well, I… well, yes, but…"

"Anyone but you," Angela repeated softly.

Again, a newly formed intimacy is settling between Maura and another. Rarely has she encountered such clarity, or shared such an open form of soul searching, but today was the master of all days for it.

"I know you and Jane have always been close. A mother notices these things, y'know? You can get that girl to do just about anything and it's not all because she's got a good heart. Trust me, honey... all she does is because it's you... It's time, Maura… It's time to acknowledge what it is about your relationship with Jane that's made this so hard to for you to deal with."

* * *

><p>Before going to bed, after an exhausting and emotionally challenging evening, Maura finally listens to the message that's been awaiting her attention. What she hears bring more tears, and hope for tomorrow.<p>

_"Hi Maura… well, this is my voice."_

It was Jane.

_"I thought you might wanna hear it a little more after the message you left… and… I might've wanted to hear yours too, so…"_

She gives a weary sigh and it tugs at Maura's heartstrings. It was strange hearing her friend this way, digitalised and lacking tone.

_"I hope Ma doesn't put you through the ringer too much tonight. I know you'll think me a coward, sending her in my place, but that's the best I can do for now... I've gotta be honest with you… I need to know you really want this before I come back, and that, when I see you next, you'll be able to look me in the eye and not just see what I've done… what I had to do… so um, I'm gonna be outta range for a while. I haven't resigned. Sounds like you heard the rumour-mill first and not the real deal but, it's okay, I'm still a cop. Don't get the guilt's too much over it, okay?"_

There's a pause and Maura's brow wrinkles while she waits.

_"I need this, Maura… I've been running close to the edge for too long and it's time I took a break to see what I really want… I'd still like to hear from you... We could exchange messages or somethin'. You know, like letters but…"_ And then she huffs, whispering, _"This is stupid…"_ and then the line cuts off.

Maura chants frantically, "No, no, no, no, no…" hitting the play button again, pursing her lips and fidgeting. She listens and Jane's tactics becomes clear. It was time for her to speak in certain terms, with Jane giving her plenty of time to think so as not to be mistaken. And she was still there for her, in the form of her mother... she still cared enough, and that meant the world to Maura.

She saves the message and speaks out loud as if she's not alone. "Alright, Jane, we'll play it your way."

* * *

><p>Please review. Thanks. :) xx<p> 


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